One day it’s cartoon pajamas and glittery sandals, the next — it’s winged eyeliner, red lipstick, and heels. For many mothers, the teen years arrive with a jolt. Suddenly, your daughter wants to try on makeup, wear adult-style clothing, and express her identity through bold fashion choices.
This phase can stir up anxiety for parents — Is it too soon? Is she copying what she sees online? Is she seeking validation? But as experts suggest, these behaviors are not just about vanity — they’re often about autonomy, identity, and growing up.
Here are 4 grounded tips, based on research and expert advice, to help mothers navigate this shift with grace, understanding, and mutual respect.
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1. Understand the Why: It’s About Identity, Not Just Imitation
According to Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of iGen, teenagers today are explorers of identity in a world that’s heavily influenced by digital media. The desire to try on makeup or wear heels is often about self-expression, not just appearance.
> “Teens are figuring out who they are. Fashion and appearance are tools they use to experiment with identity and social roles,” explains Dr. Twenge.
What You Can Do:
Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you like about that look?” or “How does that lipstick make you feel?”
Avoid shaming or making it a power struggle.
Recognize that curiosity is normal.
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2. Set Boundaries — But Involve Them in Creating the Rules
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, emphasizes that teens respect boundaries when they feel heard and included. Setting firm but collaborative guidelines helps them learn values without feeling stifled.
> “Teenagers push boundaries not to rebel, but to find out where they are. When adults respond with calm clarity, it builds trust,” says Dr. Damour.
What You Can Do:
Set age-appropriate boundaries: For example, lip gloss or tinted balm at 13, light makeup at 15, heels only on special occasions.
Let your teen co-create the rules, so they feel invested and respected.
Use milestones (e.g., birthdays, school events) to gradually introduce privileges.
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3. Be the Mirror: Model Confidence Without Criticism
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, a parenting expert on teen development, notes that daughters often internalize their mother’s relationship with beauty, aging, and self-worth.
> “What a parent models around appearance has a deeper impact than any rule,” says Dr. Hartstein.
What You Can Do:
Speak positively about your own body and appearance in front of your teen.
Compliment her creativity and confidence, not just her looks.
Encourage beauty as something fun and expressive, not something necessary or defining.
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4. Use It as a Teaching Moment: Media Literacy and Inner Beauty
Instead of forbidding trends, use this phase as an opportunity to teach media literacy. According to a study from the APA (American Psychological Association), exposure to idealized media images impacts girls’ self-esteem, but parental discussion acts as a buffer.
What You Can Do:
Watch ads, shows, or Instagram trends with your teen and talk about filters, editing, and unrealistic standards.
Introduce her to role models who value intellect, courage, and compassion as much as beauty.
Have regular “offline” days to nurture self-worth beyond the screen.
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Final Thoughts
Teens trying lipstick and heels doesn’t mean they’re growing up too fast — it often means they’re figuring out who they are. Your role isn’t to suppress this change, but to guide it with warmth, boundaries, and belief in their ability to make good choices.
Let this be a time where both of you grow — together.